Dominic Makes Me Angry

Dominic Invited Me to Lunch for My Brirthday

2012-02-08T06:02:00.001-05:00

Dominic said that he was going to take me to lunch on Saturday. After he picked me up, he shouted, "I have to make a quick stop! I have to go to the DMV to get a new driver's license!"

We never made it to lunch that day.

Dominic's New Hobby is Shrieking

2012-02-06T06:00:00.001-05:00

"You'd better drive!" Dominic shouted. "I'm going to work on my hobby the whole time in the car!"

This is going to be the worst Virginia-to-Las Vegas road trip ever.

Dominic Hates Second Hand Smoke

2012-02-04T06:12:00.004-05:00

"Hack! Argh! Cough!" Dominic shouted. "This second hand smoke is KILLING me!"

Um Dominic? You just "quit" smoking 20 minutes ago when you took the last drag of your last cigarette and announced that you had quit smoking. I'm pretty sure that's too recent for second hand smoke to bother you.

Written by Angela G.

Dominic Wrote A Controversial Song

2012-02-02T06:04:00.000-05:00

"All my songs are performed by the new music group The Taliband and are perfectly executed!'" Dominic shouted.

I thought his song "al-Qaholic in de-Nile" was kinda catchy, but "No sleep til Punjab" is probably a copyright infringement.

Written by Dominc

Dominic Organized You Papers

2012-01-31T06:00:00.007-05:00

"I filed everything chronologically!" Dominic shouted. 

That might work. Go on.

"The first paper in the filing cabinet drawer is the first paper I put in the filing cabinet. At the very back of the bottom drawer is the last piece of paper I put in the filing cabinet!"

Nevermind. That won't work.

Submitted by Dominic

Dominic Could Have Made It

2012-01-29T19:13:00.003-05:00

"I just didn't want you to think that I was faking again! Bwarfwaggggloppppr!!" Dominic shouted as he threw up on my shoes.

Dominic could have made it to the bathroom.

Dominic Just Needs Someone to Talk To

2012-01-16T01:20:00.003-05:00

Dominic keeps calling and keeping me on the phone for hours.

"I can't decide what my favorite color is! Lavender or Lilac!" Dominic shouted. "I just love them both so much!"

This really doesn't warrant middle of the night phone calls.

Dominic Says He's Getting in Touch with His Inner Gangster

2012-01-11T06:00:00.002-05:00

He's changed all of the vowels in his name to Numbers.

D0m1n1c

Dominic is Driving with his Visor Down

2012-01-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

"I drive with my visor down, so I can't see the traffic lights!" Dominic shouted. "If I can't see them, they don't count!"

Dominic Came to my Lecture

2012-01-07T06:00:00.001-05:00

Dominic came to show his support during my lecture. He sat in the first row and made faces at me the entire time. The air horn was particularly distracting.

Dominic is Saying a Novena for a New Job

2012-01-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dominic is saying a novena for a new job, specifically, my job.

Dominic Had an Easy Commute

2012-01-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dominic orange-coned the left lane. He was able to take the special Dominic Lane on the way home from work, which took him 45 minutes less than it usually does.

...but it took me an extra 45 minutes.

Dominic Ordered a Complicated Drink at a Crowded Bar

2012-01-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

"First, you take 5/8 of a shot of Sour Apple Pucker and shake it 23 times, then you take 3 and 7/52 parts of Captain Morgan's spiced Rum and set it on fire for four and a half seconds, then you pour the sour apple pucker over a spoon over the rum, then you put 5 13/49 parts of jagermeister and then stir it 39 times. Then you garish with pickles and 12 marshmallows!" Dominic shouted.

Then Dominic downed the entire drink and shouted, "That was the worst Captain Puckermeister I've ever had! Do it again! This time don't screw it up!"

I had to wait at least 20 minutes before I could order my drink.

Dominic Cheated on his Taxes

2011-12-30T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dominic told the IRS that he made twice as much money, than he actually did.

"I had to claim your children, to keep my taxes down!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic was Cut out of Granny's Will

2011-12-28T06:00:00.004-05:00

Dominic seemed unusually calm during the reading of Granny's will. He didn't even get upset when it was reveled that all of Granny's possessions and money were going to The Institute for World Dominication.

And to think I was afraid that Dominic had tampered with the will.

Dominic Keeps Calling Your Landlady

2011-12-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dominic called the landlady to complain about your lawn again and now she's hopping mad.

I think he did it because he knew I was away this weekend and would have to pay him to mow it.

"It's called exploitation!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Insisted on Hosting Christmas Dinner

2011-12-25T00:58:00.003-05:00

Dominic insisted hosting Christmas Dinner this year.

"You have to microwave your own hot dog chunks!" Dominic shouted as we walked in the door.

He knows how much I hate hot dogs.

Dominic Has No Manners

2011-12-23T06:00:00.001-05:00

"Don't mind if I have another of your bite-size canaries!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Loves to Clean for People

2011-12-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

"I cleaned all your precious pictures with the cleaning power of fire!" Dominic shouted. "The bill is in the mail!"

Dominic is Probably Going to Buy Your Car

2011-12-19T06:00:00.001-05:00

"This car is perfect!" Dominic Shouted. "It's got your fingerprints on everything!"

Dominic Cares About My Health

2011-12-17T06:00:00.008-05:00

"Decaf is much better for you!" Dominic shouted. "I switched your coffee with Decaf, because I care about your health!"

Yes, that was decaffeinated, but it was really just a laxative.

I'm not sure what the judge found worse, the felon on trial or the juror who kept having to use the restroom.

Dominic Got Personalized License Plates

2011-12-15T06:00:00.001-05:00

"I had the DMV put 'MURDER' on my plates so everyone on the road can see how 'edgy' I am!" Dominic shouted.

"Then I got the specialized 'Kids First' plate so that everyone will know that I'm a new dad!"

Today's DMMA post was a revision of the 12/3/09 original.

Dominic's Party Goes Until the Crack of Dawn

2011-12-13T06:00:00.002-05:00

"Nobody leaves until you smoke this crack-cocaine!!!" Dominic shouted.

I don't think Dawn is going to appreciate you giving out free samples of her stash.

Dominic Opened a Dog Obedience School

2011-12-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

"It's open Monday through Friday, 9am - 6pm; not federal holidays, so stop asking!!" Dominic shouted.

As far as I can tell, the only trick he's teaching these dogs is how to crap in my yard.

Dominic Did Something Thoughtful

2011-12-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

"I knew how much you loved your dog, so I took him to the taxidermist and got him stuffed!" shouted Dominic.

Most people wait until their dog dies before they do that >:-(

"Now he's preserved in his prime!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Has Taken Up Oil Painting

2011-12-07T06:00:00.003-05:00

"I prefer to use Pennzoil 10W-40 Motor Oil on that large 3500 ft² canvas you call your 'beach house!'" Dominic shouted.

His fire looks so life-like.

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

2011-12-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"How long does it take a 10 pound catfish to rot when it's deep inside the HVAC ducts?!?!" Dominic shouted. "When will it get unbearable if the catfish was in there by 6:30 this morning!!!"

Dominic Edited Your Book and Sent it to the Publisher

2011-12-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

"The author's name is still pronounced 'Margo', but I corrected the spelling to 'D-o-m-i-n-i-c' wherever it appeared in the book!!!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Isn't Taking Any More Crap

2011-12-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

"The closets and cabinets are full to capacity!" Dominic shouted.

He didn't even thank everyone for their generous donations.

Dominic Used His Survival Skills

2011-11-30T18:00:00.003-05:00

I got locked in the bathroom. I had to survive off of toilet paper and toothpaste sandwiches...mmm! " Dominic shouted.

He used up all the tooth paste in under an hour, was that necessary?"

Dominic Believes in Sharing

2011-11-28T23:04:00.002-05:00

"Do we have any clean underpants left or did I use your last pair?!" shouted Dominic.

I think there are some things that people just shouldn't share. Did you check the freezer :(

Dominic is Not Following Community Expectations

2011-11-26T06:00:00.002-05:00

Wearing ass-less chaps and walking on the left side of the side walk is not following community expectations.

"It's just what the community expects of me!" shouted Dominic.

Dominic Cleaned up after Dinner

2011-11-25T14:38:00.002-05:00

Dominic had told Granny to go to bed after dinner. He told her that he would clean up, but when Granny came downstairs this morning she discovered that the only thing he had done was taken all of the left overs.

"I've been robbed!" Granny shouted.

He didn't even clear the table.

Dominic Brought the Mashed Potatoes

2011-11-24T23:32:00.003-05:00

At least he could have thawed the tater tots before he put them in the blender and served them.

Dominic Claims He Can Speak Russian

2011-11-22T06:00:00.002-05:00

"Яussian Яuffles have Яed Яidges!!" Dominic shouted.

I'm relatively certain that's not how you speak Russian. I guess I overpaid for his "translation services."

Dominic Believes There is a Little Bit of Good in Everyone

2011-11-20T06:00:00.003-05:00

"All you have to do is look for the good in people and once you've found it...let the exploitation begin!" shouted Dominic

Dominic Isn't Going to Leave Anything Behind

2011-11-18T06:00:00.002-05:00

In his will he specified that he wants to be buried with all of his possessions and he wants all of his friends to be buried alive with him.

It's a good thing he doesn't have any of these things.

Dominic Showed His Support at the Autism Awareness Rally.

2011-11-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

Everyone was having a good time until Dominic showed up with Molotov cocktails.

If he had actually read the flyer I gave him, he would have known that it was supposed to be a peaceful rally.

Dominic Crashed the Cocktail Party

2011-11-14T06:00:00.000-05:00

I don’t think seeing Dominic throwing up all over his toga made a good impression on the potential investors.

"I wish I hadn't eaten so much scrapple!" shouted Dominic

Dominic Partook in a Civil War Reenactment

2011-11-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dominic was reading about a civil war reenactment at a nearby battlefield. Dominic was truly touched by the account and wanted to take part, so he dressed in one of his old uniforms and headed over to the local park.

“I’m reenacting the famous battle of my emotions!” shouted Dominic as he threw fire crackers at the children as they ran away in terror.

“This time, Victory will be Mine!

Dominic is making Malted Milkshakes

2011-11-10T06:00:00.002-05:00

When I took out my winter sweaters and coats I noticed that they were laden with moth holes.

"I used the moth balls to make malted milk shakes!" shouted Dominic shouted

That's not how you make malted milkshakes.

Dominic Offered to Give Your Wife a Surprise C-Section

2011-11-08T06:00:00.001-05:00

"I'll throw in Bonus Liposuction for free since she is so fat!" Dominic shouted.

I've never even heard of the Medical School of Hard Knox. Is that even accredited?

Dominic Broke My Washing Machine

2011-11-04T06:00:00.000-04:00

"I can't believe I was able to fit 45 pounds of dead cat in here!" shouted Dominic

The average washing machine is designed to hold 11 pounds of laundry. >:-(

Dominic Helped Changed My Bandage.

2011-11-02T06:00:00.000-04:00

"I soaked the bandage in salted lemon juice to help kill germs!" shouted Dominic

Dominic is passing out candy for Halloween

2011-10-31T06:00:00.003-04:00

"I'm passing out Halloween Candy this year!" Dominic shouted as he grabbed a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans and began to open the door to trick-or-treaters.

No, Dominic the wig on your Lady Godiva costume is not long enough! There are children on the other side of that door!

Dominic Says He Has a Naval Officer Costume On

2011-10-29T06:00:00.001-04:00

I don’t think that cussing like a sailor constitutes a naval officer costume.

Dominic Won’t Stop Talking Like a Mastercard Commercial.

2011-10-27T06:00:00.001-04:00

Cheese puffs: $5

Pants" $5!

Not having to use a napkin: Priceless!

Couch$5!

Television $5!

Sitting on the couch to watch television: Priceless!

Gallon of gasoline: $5!

Cigarette Lighter: $5!

Setting the couch and television on fire: Priceless!

I don't think Dominic understands the value of the dollar. Probably because these things were mine.

Dominic Requested the Pat Down at the Airport

2011-10-25T06:00:00.003-04:00

Dominic taped mouse traps all over his body and then requested the pat down at the airport.

I wish he had let me go in line first.

Dominic Wanted Me to Feel Fresh

2011-10-23T06:00:00.004-04:00

When I was in a hurry to leave to work, I noticed that all of my underwear was missing and in it's place there was a note:

"I MOVED ALL OF YOUR UNDERPANTS TO THE FREEZER TO KEEP THEM MORE FRESHER!"

Dominic should know better than to say "More fresher"

Dominic Remarks on Poverty in America

2011-10-21T06:00:00.000-04:00

Dominic doesn’t under stand how in this land of plenty there could be children who don’t get enough to eat.

“Just look at all this road kill I was able to find today!” Dominic shouted.

Dominic Approves of My New Couch

2011-10-19T06:00:00.006-04:00

"It's perfect!! The fabric itches my rash while absorbing the leakage.” Dominic shouted.

Now I know why he talked me out of getting the leather couch.

Dominic Made "Improvements" to the Portrait Hanging in the Living Room.

2011-10-17T06:00:00.002-04:00

"I painted him a mustache and a sombrero! Mexico is really in this season!" shouted Dominic.

That painting was the only likeness that existed of my grandmother. :-(

Dominic Is Trying to Convince Me He Can Tell My Fortune By Reading His Son's Dirty Diapers.

2011-10-15T06:00:00.003-04:00

"You just gotta look really really close!" shouted Dominic.

No, I'm not falling for that trick again.

Dominic Keeps Throwing Up

2011-10-13T06:00:00.000-04:00

"Don't stop on account of me! Hweerghfwrelluuuupppppp!" Dominic shouted. "The Parade of Muffin Tops in Halter Tops must go on! Bwarfwaggggloppppr!!"

Why did Dominic even ask to be a judge in this event?

Dominic Hates Christmas Song Parodies

2011-10-12T13:04:00.004-04:00

"The only thing Batman smells like is justice!" Dominic screamed, shaking his fist at the terrified fourth graders.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by John D.

Dominic Traded the Time Share.

2011-10-11T06:00:00.004-04:00

"We're going to Akron!" Dominic shouted.

The children had been so excited about finally going to Disney World.

Dominic “bought” His Son a Bag of Rocks

2011-10-09T06:00:00.002-04:00

“Teaching your son to throw rocks at cars is not just a right of passage…it’s a duty of passage” Dominic shouted.

Dominic Claims He's an Undercover Double Agent

2011-10-08T01:20:00.001-04:00

"I'm posing as Team Edward, but actually I'm Team Jacob!" shouted Dominic. "They'll never know what hit them!"

No, I don't suppose they will

Dominic Baked a Beautiful Cake

2011-10-07T14:00:00.005-04:00

Dominic baked a beautiful cake for his son's birthday party.

"The secret ingredient is love!" Dominic shouted

But as all the guests found out, the secret ingredient was actually pepper spray.

Dominic Started a New blog

2011-10-06T18:38:00.009-04:00

It took a couple of months before I finally got around to checking out Dominic's new "Blog of Emotions!" which reads exactly like the diary I kept in high school.

"I can't believe you just left your diary lying around under your mattress" Dominic shouted

Dominic Thinks He "Won" Google

2009-12-14T14:38:00.001-05:00

"I Googled the numeral '1' and came up with 2,180,000,000 hits!" Dominic shouted. "That beats the letters 'e,' 's,' and the numeral '0'! I won! I finally won at Google!"

Does Dominic ever get any work done?

Dominic Gave Vincent the Finger

2009-12-10T13:35:00.001-05:00

I saw Dominic filling up at the gas station as I drove by so I waved, but Dominic gave me the finger! I thought, “Surely, that’s meant for the car behind me,” but then Dominic shouted, “Screw you, Vincent!”

I guess I won’t be bailing him out of jail anymore. :(

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dominic's brother Vincent

Dominic Has My Best Interests in Mind

2009-12-09T15:54:00.001-05:00

"You're interested in animals, right?" Dominic shouted as he slammed a dead raccoon down on my desk.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by John D

Dominic Refuses to Come to Dinner

2009-12-07T15:49:00.001-05:00

"I won't come over until you do something about your tarantula problem!" Dominic shouted

There are no tarantulas in Fredericksburg, VA. What are you talking about?

"When you were at work, I let loose several dozen in your kitchen!" Dominic shouted. "They're imported!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by John S.

Dominic Got Personalized License Plates

2009-12-03T14:54:00.003-05:00

"I had the DMV put 'MURDER' on my plates so everyone on the road can see how 'edgy' I am!" Dominic shouted.

"Then I got the specialized 'Kids First' plate so that everyone will know that I'm a new dad!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by Dominic.

Dominic Stuffed the Thanksgiving Turkey This Year

2009-12-02T14:45:00.001-05:00

"I stuffed it with my old socks!" Dominic shouted. "It gives the meat a nice gamey flavor!"

Dominic started piling slices of white meat on your plate.

"Mmmm! Gamey!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Bridget

Dominic Replaced the Sugar with Salt.

2009-11-23T14:20:00.002-05:00

I wish I knew that before I mailed that batch of cookies to the soldiers fighting in Iraq.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Margaret.

Dominic Is Starting Another "Charity"

2009-11-18T12:48:00.004-05:00

Dominic's idea this time is to buy up all the water rights in drought-stricken countries and label it as 'artisan water' to sell at a huge mark-up in trendy boutique stores.

I have to admit, I'm not following Dominic's logic here. How is taking away poor people's water and selling it to the rich a "charity"?

"It's a precious commodity!" Dominic shouted. "Don't you understand?! The more you drink, the poorer they become!"

So then it's not so much a charity as it is stealing from poor people...

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dan

Dominic Uses the Washing Machine Like it's His Personal Laundry Hamper

2009-11-17T14:52:00.003-05:00

"Whenever I have an article of clothing that needs washing, I don't want it in my room, so I just throw it in the washing machine!" shouted Dominic. "I don't wash it right away, though! I let clothes build up over the course of weeks!"

What if someone takes your clothes out of the machine to do their own laundry?

"That makes me super angry!" Dominic shouted. "I always start screaming, 'How dare you put my clothes on the floor! don't you ever do that again!!'"

Oh, man. Washing machine hogs are like my biggest pet peeve ever.

Dominic Coins the Worst Aphorisms

2009-11-16T18:07:00.000-05:00

"Give a man a match, and he's warm for a minute!" Dominic shouted. "Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life!"

This aphorism really was submitted by Dominic, while he was trying to set me on fire.

Dominic Thinks it's Hilarious to Drive on the Sidewalk

2009-11-11T15:38:00.001-05:00

"I'm putting the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'!" Dominic shouted.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Tim.

Dominic Is Sick of His Newborn Baby Sleeping Twenty Hours a Day

2009-11-05T14:21:00.004-05:00

"People only need seven hours of sleep, eight hours tops!" Dominic shouted. "but my lazy son doesn't wake up to normal alarm clocks!"

"That's why I had to make my own alarm clock! Now Baby Will can wake up to the dulcet tones of this foghorn!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Ann S.

Dominic is going to the Polls to Vote Today

2009-11-03T14:56:00.003-05:00

"I'm gonna to hit at least sixteen polling stations and vote at all of them!" Dominic shouted.

You'd better not, Dominic. Voter fraud is illegal and unethical.

"No, it's okay!" Dominic shouted. "I'm only canceling out my wife's multiple votes!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dominic.

Dominic is Correcting People's Grammar with Non-Existent Rules

2009-11-02T14:15:00.000-05:00

"The post office is further down the block," I said.

"You mean to say that the post office is farther down the block!" Dominic shouted. "'Further' is only correct when using the sectarian tense!"

Dominic Keeps Calling CVS "The Nipple Store"

2009-10-29T14:37:00.001-04:00

"That's where I go to buy nipples for little Will's baby bottles!" Dominic shouted. "It only makes sense that I call it 'The Nipple Store!'"

That's what Dominic says but I think the real reason is because he knows how much I hate the word "nipple."

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry post was submitted by Bridget K.

Dominic Needs Supplies for the New Baby

2009-10-27T13:09:00.001-04:00

"Where's the diapers!?" Dominic shouted.

"We don't sell diapers," said the clerk behind the register. "This is a liquor store."

Dominic got furious. He shouted, "You mean I have to go to one store for food and a completely different store for diapers?!"

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry post was submitted by Jason K.

Dominic Knows How to Cook Spaghetti

2009-10-26T12:41:00.003-04:00

"You know how to tell when spaghetti is perfectly cooked!?" Dominic shouted. "Throw it against the wall! If it sticks, it's done!"

To illustrate his point, he grabbed the five-quart pot full of boiling water and spaghetti and dashed the contents against the wall.

"Nope! Nothing stuck!" Dominic shouted as the steaming mess of noodles slid off the wall and scalding water spread across the floor. "I'd give it two more minutes!" he shouted, returning the empty five quart pot to the hot burner.

Today's post was submitted/loosely suggested by Anthony S.

Dominic Has Friends in High Places

2009-10-21T12:51:00.003-04:00

"And now I'm going to shove them off!" Dominic shouted.

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry Post was submitted by Dominic.

Dominic Prepared a Lunch of Canned Creamed Corn for Little Five-Year Old John Michael

2009-10-20T12:59:00.003-04:00

"A U.S. Marine can down 1.2 kilograms of creamed corn in 45 seconds!" Dominic shouted. "You only have thirty seconds left, John Michael! So chow down, Marine!"

Five-year old John Michael did his best to eat those 1.2 kilograms of creamed corn as fast as he could with Dominic repeatedly shouting "Chow down, Marine!" in his face.

Then John Michael threw up.

Jeez, Dominic, you could have at least heated up John Michael's creamed corn.

Today's post was submitted by Chris M. who says he's got six kids that he'll never let Dominic babysit.

Dominic is Getting Some Updates to His Blog

2009-10-14T16:54:00.004-04:00

"Since some of you have expressed interest in suggesting posts, there is now an 'email me' icon in the sidebar!" Dominic shouted.

"Ry Guy has also added a search feature in the sidebar if you want to look for a specific post without scrolling back through all the archives!"

Dominic is Consulting a Ouiji Board for Baby Names*

2009-10-13T15:31:00.001-04:00

"'Dagon' and 'Belial' are both good names!" Dominic shouted. "But so far, I'm leaning toward 'Mephisto!'"

* Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry Post was submitted by Margaret.

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

2009-10-08T13:04:00.001-04:00

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Would you eat this in under ten minutes if I said you'd get a free T-shirt?!" Dominic shouted, holding up a five-gallon bucket filled with broken glass shards.

Dominic Wants to Achieve Inner Peace

2009-10-07T13:41:00.001-04:00

Dominic grabbed the zen master by the throat and began throttling him violently. "Teach me inner peace!!" Dominic bellowed hysterically.

Dominic Cannot Take a Hint

2009-10-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

"So, I could totally tell that Jon and Kate were heading for a divorce long before anyone else picked up on it!" Dominic shouted. "I just read the signals!"

"I wouldn't know," I said, hoping that Dominic would stop telling me about these people soon. "I never watch the show.

"And when it came out that Jon had an affair, I knew that everyone would automatically take Jon's side!" Dominic shouted. "Everyone thinks that Kate is such a horrible nag that they believed she just drove Jon away!"

"I don't know anything about this," I said. "I really have no idea who these people are."

"Now Jon's true nature is coming out and people are starting to see what I've been saying all along!" Dominic shouted. "Jon's just a money-grubbing opportunist! Kate's better off without him!"

"I really don't want to know about any of this," I said. "I never watch the show, I don't care about them, and I have absolutely zero interest in learning anything about Jon and Kate's marital problems."

"Oh, good!" Dominic shouted. "That means you're a neutral party! Lemme explain how this all came about starting in season one!"

Dominic then went on to explain in detail how Jon and Kate's marriage evolved from season one, completely ignoring the fact that tears were streaming down my face as I screamed "LALALALALA!" at the top of my lungs and repeatedly punched my ears, hoping to inflict permanent deafness.

Dominic is Retaining Water

2009-09-24T13:51:00.000-04:00

"Look!" Dominic shouted. "I dammed up the river and made a little pond!"

Dominic is Cooking Tiny Game Birds

2009-09-23T14:21:00.000-04:00

"These birds are considered something of a delicacy in some countries!" Dominic shouted. "They're so little, you actually eat the bones rather than trying to get the meat off!"

Didn't you used to have parakeets?

Dominic Got a "Hands Free" Headset for the Car

2009-09-22T12:12:00.001-04:00

"I was so sick of having to use my hands to steer the car!" Dominic shouted as he folded his arms across his chest, floored the gas pedal, and took off down the freeway.

Dominic has a Rendezvous with History

2009-09-21T13:54:00.001-04:00

"Don't tell Destiny!" Dominic shouted "She'll just get jealous if she finds out I'm rendezvousing with someone else!"

Dominic is a Robot

2009-09-15T14:01:00.000-04:00

His programming is so complex that you can talk to him for hours and totally forget that he isn't even human.

Dominic Has the Worst Chili Recipie Ever

2009-09-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

There is no meat; there are no beans; there are no tomatoes; and there are no chiles.

This is a bowl of pure capsaicin and nothing else.

"What are you waiting for!?" Dominic shouted. "Eat up!"

Dominic is Always Trying to Convince Me to Sign up for the Slave Mines

2009-09-10T13:13:00.000-04:00

"The beautiful thing about the Slave Mines is that they're not just your home!" Dominic shouted. "They're also your grave!"

Dominic Says His Life is a Dashing Bold Adventure

2009-09-09T13:42:00.001-04:00

"I shot a guy for this candy bar!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Only Hurts the People He Loves

2009-09-08T13:16:00.000-04:00

"I'm giving you twenty bucks because I hate your guts!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

2009-09-02T13:00:00.001-04:00

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Can you see me when I do this?!" Dominic shouted, shutting his eyes as tightly as he could.

Dominic's Glove Compartment is Wedged Shut

2009-09-01T13:14:00.001-04:00

When I finally pried it open, I discovered the problem; it was stuffed with dead cats.

"Don't throw those out!" Dominic shouted. "I need those for later!"

Dominic Says He Has a Magic Wand

2009-08-31T13:24:00.000-04:00

"I just point this magic wand at all my problems!" Dominic shouted, "and--poof!--they disappear!"

Um, Dominic, that's not a magic wand. That's a .44 Magnum. Who do you think you are, Harry Callahan?

"More like Harry Potter!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic is Silently Judging Me

2009-08-28T12:47:00.000-04:00

Dominic strode into my office. Then he stopped, planted one foot, crossed his arms, cocked his head to one side, and then just stood there, staring down his nose at me.

I was so wrapped up in what I was doing, it took me a minute or so before I realized Dominic was even there.

"Oh, hey, Dominic," I said. "Can I do something for you?"

I was almost hoping that Dominic would shout something demoralizing at me. But he didn't. He shrugged his shoulders and gave a weary shake of the head. Then he just stood there, silent, with that you-disgust-me expression.

It's so hard to work with him two feet away from me like that. I just know he's finding something wrong with the way I'm doing my job.

Dominic's Attempts to Crash the Internet are Pathetic

2009-08-26T13:46:00.000-04:00

"I Googled the word 'the'!" Dominic shouted.

That didn't crash the internet even a little bit. All it did was reveal top search result for "the" to be "The Onion."

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

2009-08-25T12:51:00.001-04:00

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Have you ever eaten marbles just to hear what it sounds like when they hit the toilet bowl?!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic is Telling Me Horrible Truths

2009-08-24T13:39:00.001-04:00

"In Canada, they pour mayonnaise on their fries!" Dominic shouted.

I didn't want to know that, Dominic. Why did you have to tell me?